Sara's Story - The First Trimester
I feel this first trimester has been the most chaotic of all my pregnancies. I suffered spotting from the beginning of the pregnancy, which didn’t have me too worried as I suffered the same with William (second pregnancy). We went for early scanning with him and all progressed well. This time however for almost 2 months I had on/off spotting and a bleed that I can only describe as a light period (sorry if that’s TMI). After the light bleed I ended up loosing a couple of clots, which in my mind meant I had miscarried, however their was no pain. So I was left wondering what to think. I was a big bag of emotions when my partner came up the stairs to see what I needed him for. So finally, after many, many phone conversations with my GP, and numerous trips to the out of hours doctors we soon found ourselves driving to the EPU (early pregnancy unit).
Waiting in the seating area is always the hardest. I had to go in alone to begin with as we had the boys with us, and due to the circumstances they wanted to check before allowing them in the room. So on it goes, horrible cold, thick jelly and a whole lot of pressure on my bladder.
Then I saw it, right there, a little flicker, our little baby bean. A huge weight was lifted. Then my eyes panned across from the little baby I could see, to the little baby I could not. A second sac was present. The sonographer turned the screen and I quite literally gasped the words 'oh my god, twins'. She asked if twins ran in the family where I spluttered the words 'I’m a twin, twins run in the family'.
Suddenly I felt this massive amount of joy, twins?! we only planned for one, we only planned for another baby, we didn’t know if we wanted anymore after this baby, oh my god the car, we are going to need a bigger car. Then my brain froze, why had she turned the screen. I realised that I had not seen the second baby, their was no flicker, and the sac was not a nice healthy round shape, it looked like a balloon that had been burst. The shock and joy had suddenly been ripped away just as quickly as it had been felt. I went blank. She had to share the news that the bleeding had been from the baby, which I had lost, miscarried at 7 weeks pregnant.
Richard and the boys were allowed to enter the room, seen as their was a viable pregnancy, and they could explain what had happened. He could see the screen and his face instantly read what I had just felt moments ago, joy, fear, shock and then loss. He too could see that their was only one baby, not two.
How do you tell yourself you lost one, but you are still pregnant? How does your brain or body deal with that?
I shall be doing a second blog post next week on miscarriage, something that is still not spoken about like it should be. I am writing these blogs in the hopes that they can help someone else with what they are going through something similar that it may help them. During my whole experience I couldn’t find much at all on the loss of one twin.
Discover Sara's blog here